I love when people talk about God “weeding the garden” of their hearts. Please, Jesus, I’ve got full-grown over-grown freakin’ azeala bushes and rotting boxwoods #fixitJesus.

The last three weeks have taken a dive. I have had reality OCD. I basically look around at periods of time and feel not real. My husband doesn’t feel real. The thought crosses my mind that maybe I’m not real and in an alternate reality. Maybe if I’m not real, a car can just hit me and I die and there’s no consequence.

Y’all, I almost forgot I had a mental health diagnosis, because for most of the past year I’ve been doing pretty well.

I escalated to the point where my therapist said to compulse and just go stay at my in-laws because I’m just not there in my treatment yet. So yay, fun.

I’m back home, but in the midst of all that, still struggling to a) trust God, and b) let go of hurt–and to call a thing a thing–jealousy.

I keep turning the unknowable over in my head these days. Is the problem with me (and how I’m wired), or is it experience. Is my desire for attention because I didn’t have enough of it growing up, or because I’m unreasonable? Do I feel uncomfortable with my father-in-law because of his actions, because of my history with male authority figures, or because I’m too sensitive? Am I doing something wrong as an OT when other people are having people call in compliments, and I’m not? Nevermind that someone calls me her hero when I show up–if the boss doesn’t know, is it really real? And that friend…

God knows.

I am making the choice over and over again to do my best to be faithful, though I don’t feel or hear God much right now. And that includes with my anger that He doesn’t provide me tangible feeling etc

One of the few times I have heard him speak, though, was in the midst of pondering all these thoughts and just seething with anger and feelings of abandonment. He said something along the lines of “your anger is rightful, but you still need to lay it down. Lay down your rightful anger and let me deal with it. It’s the only way you’ll feel better”

And you know what…I did feel better. Not fully healed, but better.

Life is challenging right now for so many reasons. Primarily, OCD, shifting identity, and that outside of a great marriage, I am profoundly lonely…with no end in sight because of this pandemic. I’m grateful for that new mercy, though. I feel like I have been asked to empty a lake with a teaspoon, and moments where God comes in with a bucket are so helpful.