I was Uprooted.

I’ve uprooted myself before, and replanted myself in climates that I knew I could thrive in. I’ve told myself I was resilient because I bloomed there.

Those environments were wonderful. I loved Scotland, Ohio, Upstate NY, and St. Louis. They are filled with amazing people that made it Easy.

But then something happen. I was uprooted, knowing I was going to a climate I was unsure about.

Uprooting is never entirely painless, but this time, it felt like more of my roots were ripped from the soil. This time, the climate was really hard for me to adjust to. It felt like the soil didn’t have the nutrients I needed, and the weather was too temperate for this cold-loving plant.

There’s the song that starts with “This year’s felt like four seasons of winter/And you’d give anything you think to feel the sun.”

I relate to that. I knew there would be a dormant season, but

I didn’t really bloom this year-and-a-half. Thank God my marriage is strong and my husband is wonderful–but I am not used to living in isolation and with a sense of purposelessness.

I’m also not mistaken. Though there are no flowers on my branches, baby roots are growing. I think most notably in how I relate to God as a Father.

That will be my next post.

I just want to affirm for anyone out there who feels like they shouldn’t feel bad because others have it so much worse, that loneliness is real, that difficulty is real, that acclimating to a new climate and becoming resilient in it (even if it sometimes involves some temporary death) is hard.

God isn’t looking at other people and comparing you.

He’s looking at you. He cares about you. He wants to help you. He is concerned about your heart.

I know it, even if it’s so gradual that it’s almost imperceptible. I am happier than I was a month ago. I am happier than I was 6 months ago. Heck, I’m happier than I was two weeks ago. Sometimes I have to count blessings to get there, and sometimes I need to vomit out my feelings to the Father, but we’re getting there.

Reading recommendation: When God Doesn’t Fix It by Laura Story (best book I’ve read in a long time)