Judgement has always kept me safe.

That’s what it felt like. Resting inside a cocoon of protection. I can look at her behavior and know she’s not a true friend and not confide in her. I could see his predilection to think he’s in love when he’s really jumped around. The common familial past-time can center on talking about who did what, who donated what, who said what, or why that person is wrong…without ever going to them.

At one point in high school, I decided I was not going to talk badly about anyone unless I had talked with them about that first. It did dramatically improve me focusing on good, perspective taking, and addressing conflict early. Yet, it didn’t eliminate the flow in my head, and sometimes, the safest people can be the easiest to share that pithy statement with. Sometimes, with families so intertwined, it can be easy to share how someone made you feel with your spouse, instead of the offending person.

It has been coming to a head for awhile. My awareness of how judgmental I am…and that it’s an issue. I’ve long been aware of it, but it seemed like the positives outweighed the negatives.

The reality is this: You can treat someone non-judgmentally, and still be judgmental. I can go into a house that is the house of a hoarder that hasn’t been washed or cleaned in years, dank and dark, with old food and containers and papers everywhere and not make him feel shame…BUT if afterwards I call my husband and tell him about this place, I’ve shown my true colors. I am judgmental. I am not considering what may have made him like this or allowing the compassion that I felt in the moment to extend outside the moment.

I don’t want to be this way anymore, but I can’t stop the quiet observations in my head, either. And I don’t want to be unsafe by not observing cautionary signs.

After a night of rants that I didn’t know how to stop, this came to me:

“Remove my critical spirit from me. I don’t know how to organize the world, but you do.”

That’s what I’m banking on right now. Jesus knows how to organize the world inside my head in a safe way that also honors him.