When possible prognoses feed fear

You knew this night was coming. You’ve been remarkably calm the past several weeks, despite your heart clocking 170 beats per minute. Despite you feeling quivering carotids more than pulsing ones.

And then comes Sunday night. The night before.

You think about how when our worst fear happens and we realize we’re still standing with God, how we start walking in faith for the first time. We start walking fully in faith, because fear ceases to inform of our decisions. We start to get dangerous, because the enemy’s main tactic has no control. We know deep down that God is indestructible. I think about how I need to thank God for my worst fears coming to pass as they do. I need to thank God at the suspenseful parts.

And then not even five minutes later in the shower comes another wave of light-headedness, and your fingers deftly find your rapid radial pulse and suddenly, the calm dam breaks. And your heart goes a wild kind of anxious that it has never felt before.

You fall right down there in the shower and kneel.

Sometimes the truth doesn’t come out in a whisper. It doesn’t come out a pretty song. It comes out guttural.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, God.

Thank you for my fear, because you are going to teach me to walk in faith

Thank you for your perfect love that casts out all my fear

Thank you that I’m not alone.

Thank you that you go with me tomorrow.

Thank you that you already know the outcome, good or bad

Thank you that you will bring glory through this story

Thank you that I don’t have to fear being a broken thing, because you are redeeming everything (-Ann Voskamp)

Thank you, God

Thank you, God

 

Breathing slows and peace rushes in. You stay kneeling there under the water, and that’s when you learn it. 

How gratitude resets the heart.

You rise, and the fear is gone. And you know that yes, tonight will be a night of rest after all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s