Yeah, this Sunday, I interacted with a boatload of kids from 1-13 years-old…and I felt joy? I felt energized? Not a shred of resentment or after-pain?
And when two people reached out and told me that my words mattered. That my words were God’s timing and God’s confirmation, and I felt gratitude to be used where I’d recently felt happy for them, but nothing in my joy.
A woman told me that she leads a Bible study with college girls and that she wants to hear my spoken word poems. The girls, she said, were talking about how powerful it was at Bible Study. After performing it, I had felt glad that I had been obedient, but I also felt empty walking into the night. And it had been hard and not really “fun” to write.
I’ve found joy in many things the past few months…from God’s presence to my co-workers to God’s provision. But, aside from finding joy in my job, I have not found joy in my giftings in a long time.
Since my breaking heart, I’ve enjoyed reaching out to girls again. I’ve enjoyed talking. I’ve enjoyed making people laugh. I’ve enjoyed writing a spoken word on my heart. I’ve loved children.
And it comes as a mirthful laugh when I realize it…that God is fixing my joy in my giftings. He’s giving me joy in them again. Could it be that repentance precedes the miracle? Hadn’t I said it out loud? Was that really all He had wanted?
Lord, I repent of resenting you for the way you made me. I repent of telling you a little freshly to your face that you created me wrong. That I wanted to exchange the personality traits and gifts that you gave me for some that seemed more valuable. Thank you for being patient with a slow learner who is quick to forget that it’s always worth being a part of your story, and your glory is always worth my discomfort. (Do you know that the night before I shared this word, I was in tears saying this section, because it was true all over again?)
Lord, I repent of not believing that you are capable of repairing my joy. I repent of living captive to fear that circumstance or situation or tender-heartedness may break it, and that you will not be capable of fixing it. Forgive me for not trusting your love and your pursuit, which will follow me all the days of my life
Oh yes, I still feel Big Feelings at times…but the waves are a whole lot smaller and a whole lot farther apart, for no other reason than Jesus. I marvel in the ways He can heal in a heartbeat.