What if the joy doesn’t depend on success or failure, but obedience?
What if my self-assessment of purpose and self-esteem doesn’t rise or fall with the response of men and women but obedience to God? If I hear God call and I respond, does anything else really matter?
I waffle back and forth between wanting to hear God say “Good job, good and faithful servant” and being terrified of using any gifts that might receive recognition. And fearful that sharing an original baby won’t mean as much for other people as it means to me. Fearful that I don’t actually have a shred of talent, and fearful that I do. It’s possible to be deeply afraid of pride and deeply insecure at the same time. It’s possible to wonder if fear is from the devil or from weakness of a word.
I am fixing my eyes on Jesus. I am leaning into joy coming from being obedient to God, not the outcome. I am asking that God works through not just one or two people but through us all. I am asking that my self-esteem is based on His criteria of me, and not others’.
Because isn’t it funny how God has completely different criteria.
Sometimes stepping out of the boat can look small to an onlooker, but vulnerability is never easy. Opening yourself up to criticism (or praise) or judgement is never easy. BUT God is cheering for those of us taking little steps and big steps.
If I fix my eyes and remember that none of it is because of me anyways,
If I don’t believe the lie that I can do anything but just yield to God doing everything because there’s nothing good that I can do without him…then the lie breaks and the truth of the Spirit will get the honor in my life that it deserves.
I am looking Jesus in the eye and asking Him for humility in dreaming big things. I am asking that I just be a conduit. I am asking that I just be a tool to Him to reveal himself to others, instead of trying to make Him a tool to fit my agenda. Because He is worthy of ALL the honor, all the glory, all the praise for creativity, in Jesus’ name I pray.