I want God more than anything

There is a glory in your fears being realizedand realizing that you’re still standing.

The glory is this: we can spend so much energy avoiding what are key parts of our destiny. When our worst fear comes to pass, we realize the truth that God is enough. Because maybe the fear all along is that God won’t be enough. We’re afraid if God calls us to that, we’ll want to up and croak, we won’t be able to go on, we’ll live our whole lives in physical or spiritual pain.

But when we surrender, we stop evading or avoiding what God has for us. What God wants to bring good out of. When we surrender, we rest in God. We find out that what we were concerned wouldn’t be enough when we were standing in the light…is true and is enough in the darkness. We know God’s sufficiency and faithfulness in a deep and real place. We believe it. We begin to lose our fear.

We start to get dangerous for the kingdom. We live obediently in faith.

We realize his blood is enough. It is the gift we can always be thankful for, even when other gifts are taken from us.

And I can say it. God, make my life easy, or make my life hard. Whatever you need to do to bring me close. Do anything. Because all I really want is to be close.

Shortly after the New Year, someone praying in the spirit for me prayed exactly what I had been feeling: the coming of explosive joy. I think that I went through last year in order to build muscle in the area of feeling broken and loving God simultaneously. It wasn’t a lack of faith or a spiritual failing. God allowed me to feel intense brokenness and intense joy together, and used both to build my faith.

And, as Ann Voskamp beautifully shed light on, our brokenness can actually make abundance when we live like Christ…broken and given. For God so loved, he gave.

I think God wanted to prepare me to know that I could live in the truth of a broken world and in the truth of His love and redemption. I think He wanted to build compassion. I think He wanted me to walk by grace through story-lines that others will live.

And even though it was hard, there was a grace in walking through it alone. I learned that God is enough when I’m alone. God became so intimate in those night-time moments.

So much fear is wrapped up in our wondering if God will be enough in our pain. We fear He won’t be. Let’s not mince words: It will be brutal if we lose our spouse. If we live life in physical pain. If our child is born with special needs. If our parents die in agitated dementia. It will be, and it will require communities of authentic and holy love to combat that darkness. But I also know that my God is enough for all things, and His truth is a gift that I can stop doubting. I can start challenging all fears…and even embrace their coming to pass…because I gain deeper knowledge of Christ through them.

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