I started this blog on what turned out to be the tail end of a 7-month high after surrendering to God. God showed me how fun it could be to surrender to His plans, and also how fun it could be to work on a craft that He gave me passion for.
Working on writing and spoken word pieces demands the majority of my time and a boatload of emotional and spiritual energy. It is exhilarating, but it’s mostly exhausting. It’s difficult. It’s hard for me to sleep as lines shoot across the mind-sky. It’s hard for me to balance worship + writing nights with participating in life with other people. There are weeks I walk around work on 4-6 hours of sleep, with little more on the weekends.
Writing also requires a lot more battling for spiritual purity. On my second poem, I realized that the more I wrote, the more there would be a temptation to use God–to hear what He had to say to write it down to share, instead of just sitting in that moment of worship. That battle kind of terrified me, the girl used to worshipping for no other reason than God’s goodness and presence in my little water boiler room. I thought laying off writing for a while would help maintain spiritual purity and my mental health with rest. The funny thing is that this writing-free time has strained my relationship with God instead of deepening it.
Instead of filling up that time with more God, I filled it up with other more hypothetically restful things. And when it got late, I skipped things that I know work to keep me tied to God. I still didn’t feel rested. I was still exhausted. I wasn’t able to connect with God and His presence in the same way that I was able to pre-writing.
I don’t believe Jesus died so we could all pretend that we’re great and holy, so yeah, I opened up my brokenness here. You’ve seen and smelled and grasped it through the words, I’m sure, and I’m sure it didn’t feel like the breath of fresh faith you or I thought it would be when I first started the blog. There has been fruit from that, but a lingering sense of brokenness still persisted.
But this week, an unexpected revelation broke the dam. Joy broke through. It awes me how God can speak to us individually. That has been a hallmark of our relationship, of any relationship. No cookie cutter answers from this one.
It was quite simple. I just had to hear it. “Godlessness is worse than sleeplessness.” Not writing because it makes me tired/failing to live out the purpose God has for me is worse than sleeplessness, especially because true rest comes from God. If I know that God has a couple things marked out for me to do, and I choose not to do them because I’m afraid of a little less sleep, I’m forfeiting God. He’s worth staying up late for. He’s the only thing worth investing the bulk of my time in.
I’ve learned that God was in that time of just me and Him pre-writing, but He is also in writing time. He wants me to battle to live out my purpose with humility, consistency and strength. He wants me to rest, and yes, rest in Him. He wants me to have fun. But He also wants me to be unafraid of a little discomfort and sacrifice when it comes to the things He has called me for. He wants me to continue sharing what He has taught me in His grace and patience.
I wrote in my first entry how purpose is so tied to joy. I write this entry to re-affirm its truthfulness. I write to encourage you to not be afraid of your own fatigue in serving God. Reassess, but don’t stop. I write to encourage your patience as you wait on your own word from the Lord that ends the drought. His victory is assured. His love is personal. The devil has no power to prevent a breakthrough of God to an open heart.