Sometimes I don’t notice my own thirst until God brings me to the desert. Like to a no-choice-but-utter-dependence one. Like an “I chased you to here” kind of desert love. Where can I run that He cannot find me? Where can I flee His presence? God has brought me to the literal desert halfway around the world to confront a proverbial one.
I’ve had to confront thoughts I thought I was done thinking, when the truth is that they hadn’t ceased. They had only stopped causing me pain. I didn’t realize that the thoughts still lurked, undermining Truth.
The truth is this; I do want God’s will and presence above all else. But the truth that I’ve also uncovered this trip is that
-I do still fear being fat (I declared this freedom out loud for the first time a couple months ago, and all of a sudden–for the first time in 10 years–there’s all this warfare).
-I hate that I feel ugly in America unless I buy more expensive clothes, because normal clothes don’t fit this middle eastern build. And I hate that I don’t look Armenian here, even though the clothes fit (hallelujah), because I think it’s beautiful. And because no one ever believes that I’m Armenian–let alone 100%
-I do still fear being lonely
-I still fear turning 40 without kids
-I fear enduring years of pain without purpose…or without big enough purpose
I was sitting in a rose garden beneath a Soviet-style statue in a country where faith is private at 11 o’clock at night journal-praying for God’s words. And I waited while the answers to my questions came with the wind.
“Tell me how you see me God?” “You’re beautiful. You’re original. I didn’t make you to look like anybody else. I made you original. I like you this way.”
“What do you have to say about my fear of being fat, God?” “Being fat will never mean that you’re not worthy of love. My love doesn’t fluctuate based on the number on the scale. Neither will how much I use you. And your husband will be like me. He will never leave nor forsake you.”
“God, there’s all this pain over that divorce.” “I’m right with you. Hold my hand.”
“God, why should I not fear turning 40 without kids? Why shouldn’t I fear never having kids?” “Trust me…My ways are not your ways. Don’t compare your life to other peoples’ Facebook. You are not any less because your life plan is different than theirs. You will be a mother to many. Even though you fight that. Even though you think that it won’t be enough, it will be enough.”
How much did He just call me out on? Because it’s all true. That my fear of being fat stems from feeling a fear that I won’t be worthy of love (and I totally didn’t even realize that). And I do fight God’s will sometimes because I say “it won’t be enough.” But, once I surrender, He is always enough. And I do say to God that even if I really get to impact and love kids, if they’re not my own too, it won’t be enough.
I have needed Jesus every single day here. I am a sinner, an unbeliever, a judger, but thank God that He is faithful. He leads me to the desert and woos me, speaking Truth. I lean my head against His chest and can finally rest.
Tonight was a good reminder to allow time for God to respond. To hold up the broken truths and lies and let Him heal me…to give me the unique phrases that I need that speak to me.