This video broke me tonight.
Because the lie I tell myself…and God…the most often is that “You created me wrong.”
If you didn’t make me this way, things would be better. I would be better. Life would be happier. I would belong or be less misunderstood. My life would look and be more holy.
I didn’t even realize how often I was telling God that I was a mistake until tonight.
What I realized is that my insecurities aren’t as conventional. I don’t give a lot of thought to how I look or shy away from challenges. Those are the ones girls hear about most in culture. Mine are so messed up. My insecurities are about who I feel God created me to be.
The lies streaming through my head this decade, this year, this month, this week have sounded more like this:
-You created me wrong. You made me too funny. No smart, healthy guy (especially a Christian guy) seems to like a smart, quirky or funny girl. They like the sweet girl. Don’t get me started on Jane Austen. The reality is I’ve found far greater appreciation for strength, smarts and humor among non-Christian guys than Christian guys. It’s like you keep playing a cruel trick, bringing men into my life that I can’t date. When you see that narrative happen enough in your (and friends’) life, it makes you feel like God created you wrong.
-I’m a mistake for my family. They wanted someone with more classic grace who is sweet, yet full of ambition. They got me. They love me so much. I know that. I just also know that “quirky,” “goofy” and “authentic” were probably not on the top-10 list of “desirable traits in a daughter.” If they could trade…would they trade up?
-There is nothing in the Bible about humor being Holy. You doesn’t praise being funny in the Bible. I once felt like You had a sense of humor, because You created me and octopuses and alpacas. But that seems like a thing of the past. I know you’re creative, but you seem serious too. Do you actually laugh? You already know what I’m about to say or think, so it’s probably less funny to You than it is here on earth anyways. You’re tender towards me, but humor doesn’t feel like a part of us anymore.
-Why did You have to make me with such a desire to be authentic and be real? It leaves me left out when surrounded by girls trying to be cool, because I can’t do it, don’t want to do it, don’t want to pretend my life away. Why do I have to have compassion on the outcast? Why? Why, God, would you do these things and bring me to these places, and then leave me cast out for them? I’ve been accepted and loved for exactly who I am because of those things, but I’ve also been burdened and rejected and have sat alone for years because of those things.
-You made a mistake when you gave me a gift and heart for children and yet seem to be calling me to a life of singleness. I don’t want people to thank me for being great with their children anymore. I don’t want to be the fun aunt or the camp counselor. I want to take one home.
-Why did you have to make me so old-fashioned and stick me here? Why now? I would be better suited as a 1890’s frontier girl.
-Why have I sometimes felt most like I haven’t belonged…at a church? If I don’t even fit in here, then you really must have messed up on me (it is a refreshing blessing that this statement doesn’t apply at all to the church I currently attend).
This video with Kim Walker-Smith of Jesus Culture shattered all of those lies…and I’m only 13 minutes in.
It affirms that I am not a mistake, that our personalities are not mistakes, that our quirkiness is not a mistake, that God does laugh and rejoice over us, and that God not only fills our hearts, but we fit exactly into His. That kind of love and delight just wrecked me. It is so like…a Father. Amused by His children. Loving His children. And even though I’ve known God as Father, hearing some of the traits I’ve thought were mistakes spoken over really pierced my heart. God wants me, wants us, to hear this message.
“I need to ask Him 2 questions: How much do you love me and What were you thinking when you created me?”
“Immediately he sat me down and he stretches out His arms and they go on and on forever and He says “I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH AGHHhA and he’s cracking up and His eyes are joyful and happy.”…He speaks my language…for me, this is how we relate, this kind of fun and silliness.”
“I just knew that He had come for that question…Kim, please ask me that second question. And it came out more like ‘WHAT WERE YOU THINKING when you created me?!” And I see God the Father in front of me, and He rips this chunk of His heart out, and He creates me.” Annnnd the music box analogy
“You were never a mistake. I made you simply because you make me happy. You bring me joy. You make me laugh. I think you’re funny. I love it when you sing to me. I love it when you worship me. And at that moment all these years of lies were breaking off of me.”
God has been so tender towards me. He has broken me down with His goodness so many nights. But I haven’t really interacted with the playful side of God since He saved me. I love that God is so infinite that there is always so much more to run into.
Disclaimer: I know the truths God speaks over those lies, and by the strength and grace of God alone–not my own efforts– have so much more security and peace than I have in the past (particularly about singleness and childlessness), but I know this is going to take my belief and our relationship to a new level. I repent of all the resentment towards God for who He has made me and where and when He has placed me. It betrays my not believing fully that God creates all of us–including me–to bring unique and irreplaceable joy to Him, and that He delights in who we are. Help me comprehend your love for me…individually and specifically and not just generally.